How far I’ll go

I am a big fan of Disney.

A big BIG fan. I have seen and own many of the movies that they have released, and there are many more I am looking forward to watching.

 The most recent one I watched in the cinema (and going again to watch tomorrow) is Moana, which is about a girl who lives on an island but longs to go explore the seas beyond. Without spoiling anything she has to learn to listen to the voice within to know who she is and what she is able to do.

This is made more evident during one of the songs ‘I am Moana’ which comes at a pivotal point in the story. She realises who she is, the good and bad, and the whisper of a voice that shows her the power she has inside of her. The realisation helps her to go on to complete what she set out to do, without fear of failing.

Now as a follower of Jesus I believe God speaks to me in all manner of things and not just an audible voice as is shown in so many films (in fact I don’t think I’ve ever heard an audible voice of God). Some of the ways He speaks to me are through songs and movies, such as the lyrics to ‘I am Moana’. 

This particular song definitely hit home, in relation to something I was going through at the time. I had recently been feeling a little lost in life and unsure if being a nurse was the right thing to do (keep in mind I’m like right at the end of my course about to qualify). 

It made me rethink of the journey I had gone through to get where I am. 

The part that most spoke to me was actually a bit of the song by the grandmother of Moana.

Sometimes the world seems against you
The journey may leave a scar
But scars can heal and reveal just
Where you are

The people you love will change you
The things you have learned will guide you
And nothing on Earth can silence
The quiet voice still inside you
And when that voice starts to whisper
Moana, you’ve come so far
Moana, listen
Do you know who you are?

I have been hurt in the past and it’s left scars which have changed me for better or worse. I have also loved and learnt so much from those that I have called my friends and family. 

But the most important thing is I have listened to God who has been the whisper of a voice inside me, the constant thing that has kept me going through the good times and especially through the hard times. 

This movie made me more aware of what I’ve had to overcome to get to where I am and the journey has made me who I am. Later in the song, Moana sings 

I’ve delivered us to where we are
I have journeyed farther
I am everything I’ve learned and more
Still it calls me

It helped me realise that I long to do more, but to get there becoming a nurse is part of what I need to do to go to what is ‘calling’ me. 

So although at the moment it’s really a tough time as I try and finish my degree, I look forward to seeing how far I’ll go.

Until next time, dream big

Moon xx

 

 

The beginning of the end

…..

So the last time I actually wrote anything on this blog was 3 years ago this month (which you can check here).

That’s crazy. Really. A lot has happened since the 13th Jan 2014, when my last post went out. 


This is me. 

I’m now a 24-year-old, third (and final) year adult nursing student, who will hopefully qualify as a registered nurse in March, with seriously long hair the goes down to my butt.

Still single but actually been on two dates. Moved out of the parental home for university (and beyond?). Gained a lot of weight (although have lost some since this past Christmas). Made new friends, lost old friends, started new hobbies and stopped some volunteering responsibilities (even though I wish I could have still helped out).  

I’ve been in a couple of am-dram theatre plays, sang as part of a ‘congregation’ on a cd, made a few vlogs that I’ve posted on youtube, visited oxford countless times to visit my sister as she studied for her degree, visited Cambridge for the first time ever times in order to visit a new friend who then moved away again, visited my friends in Caernarfon that I only really see once a year at church camp. (A lot of solo journeying to places…bit nerve-wracking but fun).

I’ve even got my nose pierced after years of wanting it done. 

I’ve grown and matured, become more confident in doing things on my own, got better at hanging out with friends (although there is definitely still room for improvement in terms of opening up to friends!). 

I write these things down in order to remind myself of how much can change and happen in as short a time period as a couple of years. 


I guess as I’m getting closer to finishing my degree and therefore to achieving some of those dreams that I had hinted at back when I started this blog (see here), I’m looking back on what it’s taken to get me where I am.

Even though I have seriously enjoyed university, it’s not always been plain sailing (and still isn’t, as I failed my final academic assignment so will have to redo it).

When I applied to the course, they said that there was quite a high drop out in comparison to other courses, even hearing of student nurses dropping out in their last year. Back then I used to think, “how could you drop out when you are so close?”. But as the course has gone on I realise why. 

Nursing is a stressful job. Even as student nurses, the pressures we feel in completing the academic side as well as the practical side of our degree to become nurses, is a lot higher than a lot of other courses out there. I think the main reason is because it has such a lot of responsibility that goes with it. Literally a matter of life or death in some cases.

Back in November, I had a serious breakdown, as my anxiety and worries were made worse by stress, around one of the deadlines of an assignment. I had hit the stage when I had lost sight of why I was doing nursing in the first place. I literally wanted to run away somewhere, find a mountain to go climb, and just sit & do absolutely nothing. I wanted to escape but couldn’t. 

I am thankful to God for my parents, as they realised it was pretty bad and then worked hard to help me hand in the assignment (which I passed) and get me out of the low point. I’m also thankful for my close friends. I was totally honest and asked them to pray. I sort help from the wellbeing service at my university. 

In time, I got past the worst of it. 

I’ve made it through the course, and even though there is still a bit to go I’ve overcome something not everyone who starts finishes. I’m stronger than I thought I was and more resilient than I gave myself credit for.

So this year, in recognition of what I’ve done, where I’ve come from, and looking to where I want to be, I’ve decided to follow the example of my good friend, Maria, and choose one word that will be my ‘word of the year’.

In my next post, I will write about which word I chose and explain what it means for me.(I’m hoping that by committing to one more post it will help me actually use this for what I had intended it for.)

Until next time, Dream BIG

Moonwillow x

 

 

 

 

 

 

Putting Up Apperances, Wearing the Mask

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Ever worn a mask?

Not like a superhero mask but like an emotional mask (a brave face, a facade)

If you say no then you’re probably telling a little fib!

Everyone has stuff they have that they keep secret for fear of what people may think, what people would say, how they may change how they treat you! Some people have small things like they stole a ruler in Yr 2 because she thought others were doing the same (totally wasn’t me *cough*). While others have big things, so big that often the mask they use to cover up starts to fool themselves. 

And I am no exception! (this next part may feel a little rant-y so please bear with!)

I have a fear of loneliness!

This I know is a silly one and I do know for a fact that I am not alone! I have my wonderful family around me and loads of friends that love me and care for me!Image

But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I’ve been forgotten.

I feel left out when other friends get together to do something without me or organise something then realise I’ve not been invited and invite me (I know, I should be grateful they invite me) or think they’ve invited me but haven’t (which to be honest I think I’ve done once so can’t really complain much about that one!). Or I am the last to know something!

And if it happens, I feel hurt, I feel unvalued, I feel put down.

I know it’s probably just in my head and I’ve probably a few times made mountains out of molehills, but your thoughts are powerful and once you believe something it’s hard to un-believe it.

Most of you (if you’re still reading) are probably saying “why not do something about it?” and you’re right! Relationships and maintaining them is a 2-way street! But here’s the problem….

….I’m an introvert!

“so what?” you say! 

“Sooo …I find it very difficult to communicate well!”  I mean it’s not unusual for me to go a day without receiving or even sending a text message! Even to my parents!! I’m the type of person who is very happy to sit in front of her laptop and play games and watch youtube videos or listen to music and not talk to anyone the whole day.  

Don’t get me wrong I love being with friends and hanging out with them, having a nice chat. But I’m the one that never talks much.

I’m a listener, an observer. (and it’s not like I don’t chat to people on skype or steam or comment stuff on facebook)

It’s just I often find it hard (for some reason) that when I am asked my opinion on something, I will have trouble having one. ( I am terrible at discussions and debates unless it’s something I’m really interested in or if I’m comfortable talking about the subject to that person) 

I just take all the information in and process it internally not often then expressing what conclusion I come to. 

Most of my friends reading the last part might be a little surprised as I don’t often appear like that. Often I’m happy (which most of the time I am, I just feel cheerful), active, a bit weird (it’s all the random songs I come out with!), friendly and do participate in conversations.

I’m what you call an extroverted invert. Someone who is more than happy to be in society, who doesn’t mind dancing to all the songs at a wedding/party/disco (love a good dance me!), someone who is happy to chat to people, give advice and volunteer to help or even lead groups/clubs

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But what I struggle with is the intimate, more personal questions – who I like, how I truly feel, what my fears are, what I’m worried about. 

I have a fear of rejection!

Often I don’t open up to people because of what they might think, or say to me I’m being silly, or not take me seriously. Like it took me ages to tell my sister who I liked, even though she had already figured it out!

Over the years I’ve got loads better ( I that mean look at this blog I’m writing!!) but sometimes things like that I still find hard to do! It’s not that I don’t want to but something inside me stops the words coming out! 

This makes it hard to, say, talk to that guy that you like and have done for a while (this next part will be the hardest to say…well type)

I have a fear of never being a mother!

I love children! If there’s a little baby in the room I seem to gravitate to them like they have their own little force. I can’t help but coo over them or play games with the older ones. I have dreamt of being a mother for a long time and the idea of never being able scares me! Never meeting the right person, never having a child, never being able to bring that child up and teach them lessons in life is a fear that I desperately try to hide. I mean I am young, only 21, but at my age, my parents were engaged. I’ve got friends (my age or younger) who have gotten married (or are getting married) and when I think of them I get a little envious! And finding it hard to communicate to that guy and not yet feeling safe enough to show your feelings (in case you are rejected) isn’t exactly helping either! 

But I know somewhere there is someone for me and that, even though I may have to be patient, when the time comes that person will love me for me and love me unconditionally! (yes I know, I’m an old romantic!) 

I know that I am never truly alone!

Through this all, all my moaning and whining and feeling sorry for myself, God has been there for me!

He already loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy (and that doesn’t mean He’ll give me everything I think will make me happy but the things I need to be happy!) He’ll never leave me nor forsake me! And it’s through His strength and His love that I carry on, that I keep going when I feel down, for I know that He has plans for me, that only I can do.

As it says in Jeremiah 29:11

          “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So on that promise, I leave you and encourage you that no matter what you are LOVED for being you, no matter what flaws, fears, worries, problems you have….

...God Loves You!! (yes you!)