Putting Up Apperances, Wearing the Mask

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Ever worn a mask?

Not like a superhero mask but like an emotional mask (a brave face, a facade)

If you say no then you’re probably telling a little fib!

Everyone has stuff they have that they keep secret for fear of what people may think, what people would say, how they may change how they treat you! Some people have small things like they stole a ruler in Yr 2 because she thought others were doing the same (totally wasn’t me *cough*). While others have big things, so big that often the mask they use to cover up starts to fool themselves. 

And I am no exception! (this next part may feel a little rant-y so please bear with!)

I have a fear of loneliness!

This I know is a silly one and I do know for a fact that I am not alone! I have my wonderful family around me and loads of friends that love me and care for me!Image

But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I’ve been forgotten.

I feel left out when other friends get together to do something without me or organise something then realise I’ve not been invited and invite me (I know, I should be grateful they invite me) or think they’ve invited me but haven’t (which to be honest I think I’ve done once so can’t really complain much about that one!). Or I am the last to know something!

And if it happens, I feel hurt, I feel unvalued, I feel put down.

I know it’s probably just in my head and I’ve probably a few times made mountains out of molehills, but your thoughts are powerful and once you believe something it’s hard to un-believe it.

Most of you (if you’re still reading) are probably saying “why not do something about it?” and you’re right! Relationships and maintaining them is a 2-way street! But here’s the problem….

….I’m an introvert!

“so what?” you say! 

“Sooo …I find it very difficult to communicate well!”  I mean it’s not unusual for me to go a day without receiving or even sending a text message! Even to my parents!! I’m the type of person who is very happy to sit in front of her laptop and play games and watch youtube videos or listen to music and not talk to anyone the whole day.  

Don’t get me wrong I love being with friends and hanging out with them, having a nice chat. But I’m the one that never talks much.

I’m a listener, an observer. (and it’s not like I don’t chat to people on skype or steam or comment stuff on facebook)

It’s just I often find it hard (for some reason) that when I am asked my opinion on something, I will have trouble having one. ( I am terrible at discussions and debates unless it’s something I’m really interested in or if I’m comfortable talking about the subject to that person) 

I just take all the information in and process it internally not often then expressing what conclusion I come to. 

Most of my friends reading the last part might be a little surprised as I don’t often appear like that. Often I’m happy (which most of the time I am, I just feel cheerful), active, a bit weird (it’s all the random songs I come out with!), friendly and do participate in conversations.

I’m what you call an extroverted invert. Someone who is more than happy to be in society, who doesn’t mind dancing to all the songs at a wedding/party/disco (love a good dance me!), someone who is happy to chat to people, give advice and volunteer to help or even lead groups/clubs

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But what I struggle with is the intimate, more personal questions – who I like, how I truly feel, what my fears are, what I’m worried about. 

I have a fear of rejection!

Often I don’t open up to people because of what they might think, or say to me I’m being silly, or not take me seriously. Like it took me ages to tell my sister who I liked, even though she had already figured it out!

Over the years I’ve got loads better ( I that mean look at this blog I’m writing!!) but sometimes things like that I still find hard to do! It’s not that I don’t want to but something inside me stops the words coming out! 

This makes it hard to, say, talk to that guy that you like and have done for a while (this next part will be the hardest to say…well type)

I have a fear of never being a mother!

I love children! If there’s a little baby in the room I seem to gravitate to them like they have their own little force. I can’t help but coo over them or play games with the older ones. I have dreamt of being a mother for a long time and the idea of never being able scares me! Never meeting the right person, never having a child, never being able to bring that child up and teach them lessons in life is a fear that I desperately try to hide. I mean I am young, only 21, but at my age, my parents were engaged. I’ve got friends (my age or younger) who have gotten married (or are getting married) and when I think of them I get a little envious! And finding it hard to communicate to that guy and not yet feeling safe enough to show your feelings (in case you are rejected) isn’t exactly helping either! 

But I know somewhere there is someone for me and that, even though I may have to be patient, when the time comes that person will love me for me and love me unconditionally! (yes I know, I’m an old romantic!) 

I know that I am never truly alone!

Through this all, all my moaning and whining and feeling sorry for myself, God has been there for me!

He already loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy (and that doesn’t mean He’ll give me everything I think will make me happy but the things I need to be happy!) He’ll never leave me nor forsake me! And it’s through His strength and His love that I carry on, that I keep going when I feel down, for I know that He has plans for me, that only I can do.

As it says in Jeremiah 29:11

          “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

So on that promise, I leave you and encourage you that no matter what you are LOVED for being you, no matter what flaws, fears, worries, problems you have….

...God Loves You!! (yes you!)

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: The beginning of the end | My daily wonderings....

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